


Everything I Need

by WildWesties



Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games), Red Dead Redemption 2
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Self-Harm, Stand Alone
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2020-06-30 11:00:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19851778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WildWesties/pseuds/WildWesties
Summary: Going Fishing with Hosea and Dutch reignited some memories for Arthur and he has a breakdown it’s up to Dutch to bring his boy home





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the fishing mission with Hosea and Dutch, his gave me a small glimpse of what they used to be like and I had to create this, then hearing a song gave me the title and I put two and two together enjoy 
> 
> Please dont read if your effected by self harm fics or triggered

Since this whole mess started, Dutch has been wound up tighter than a drum and the tension between him and Hosea was reaching breaking point, Arthur didn’t think it would get better but agreed with Dutch to avoid getting on his bad side which at the moment wasn’t very hard. Lost in thought he jumped in surprise when Dutch approached him by the lakeside at there new campsite Clemons Point.

“ hey Arthur I need a break, what say you me and Hosea go fishing, leave the camp for a while?”

Arthur couldn’t help but smile, Dutch was actually asking to go out and do something with him and Hosea, of course he was gunna go.

“ sure Dutch, you know I’ll always go with you.”

Closing the distance between them Dutch put a firm hand on his shoulder.

“ well come on then it’s been some time since it’s just been us three, I think it’s been too long myself.”

“ can’t argue with you there Dutch.”

They walked to there horses where Hosea was brushing Silver Dollar.

“ hey Hosea.”

Dutch piped up and waved his friend over.

“You fancy coming with me and Arthur to go fishing, just us three just like old times?”

Looking at Arthur, he gave Hosea a pleading look.  
Smiling at his son, he couldn’t refuse that face.

“ ok why not it has been a while hasn’t it, mount up and let’s go I know a good spot.”

Mounting up on his albino stallion, Dutch waved Hosea to take the lead.

“ ok Hosea lead the way.”

Nodding Hosea set off with Arthur and Dutch trailing behind him.

Arthur was quiet, enjoying the ride, reliving the old days when the gang was just three, going on trips, days out, laughing, playing tricks on each other and being a family Arthur had always wanted.

Dutch and Hosea where talking and laughing, it was music to his ears, approaching the bridge the laughing stopped.... shit the law.

“ play it cool, keep your head boys.”

Dutch’s playful tone had vanished and was replaced with a stern and warning tone that he was used to now days.

Approaching the wagon, it was non other than Trelawney, Dutch began to instinctively con and distract the driver, the cage was unlocked and freed the prisoners.

After the train chase and the return of the prisoner, Dutch and Hosea was waiting for him.

“ see, I told you Arthur would deliver, this man has a passion.”

Hearing the praise made his heart swell, But pushing his feelings down he followed the men, after saying goodbye Hosea offered if they still wanted to go fishing after all this.

“ of course Hosea, I want to go.”

“ ok Arthur, Dutch you coming.”

“ sure why not, we still have time.”

Whistling there horses they set off again, by the time they got down to the lake edge and borrowed a boat, they found themselves in the middle of the lake and fishing, talking about old times more specifically about the time Arthur was bragging about catching an amazing fish for supper only to find out he purchased it.

Feeling his cheeks heat up, Arthur ducked his head down.

“ oh god I’m just gunna jump and swim to shore.”

Laughing Dutch and Hosea gave each other a knowing look. 

“ well Boys it’s been fun but we should be heading back, thanks Hosea for leading us here.”

“ no problem Dutch it’s nice to see you happy, we all needed this.”

Hearing that they where going to head back, Arthur began to panic. No he couldn’t be selfish, but he didn’t want to go back not yet, he wanted his family.... he wanted Dutch.

“ Arthur, Son, you going to row us back.”

Staring at Dutch blankly, he might as well spoke in a different language. Then he just broke, the loss and emptiness came crashing down like a avalanche, heart going cold, his eyes started to water.  
Dutch’s eyes widened, he hadn’t seen this since Arthur was a boy, suddenly Arthur sank to his knees as the panic took over.

Swearing Dutch extended his arms to steady his dissent as Hosea tried to steady the boat.

“ Hosea.... get us to shore.”

Trying to embrace the man as best he could, Arthur was falling apart fast.

“ heeeeeyy, Arthur, calm down, it’s ok son, what’s wrong.”

Dutch kept his voice low and calm, as Hosea got them to shore, Arthur ripped himself from Dutch’s grip, he stumbled then spun around eyes streaming, body shaking, he had come undone and now there was no stopping the urge to run.

“ Arthur, Son easy, we need to go back to camp, come on.”

Backing up from Dutch even more, crying and choking on his own sobs he shook his head, Hosea placed a soft hand on Dutch’s shoulder.

“ easy Dutch.”

Hosea looked at his worked up son, with sadness in his voice he tried to speak without breaking himself.

“ Arthur.... do you not want to go back?”

Backing up more, he shook his head again.

“ can you tell me why?”

Shaking his head again, Dutch was getting concerned and decided to try and approach, but to his horror Arthur took several rushed steps back.

“ Arthur.... it’s me son.... come on.... I won’t hurt you.”

Finding his voice Arthur just erupted in panic.

“ no no no, please, you’ll leave me again..... I don’t want to be alone..... you don’t.... you don’t want me..... I’m sorry.... whatever I’ve done Dutch I’m sorry....... don’t wanna loose you..... your not you..... I want you ..... I ..... I just want my family back.”

Shocked by the outburst, both Hosea and Dutch where speechless, but before any of them could form a reply, Arthur viciously shook his head and ran, jumped on his horse and galloped off.

“ ARTHUR..... WAIT!!!!! ....... please.”

Dutch dropped to his knees, has he really been this bad, he’s done something he swore he never would and that’s drive his boy away.

Hosea dropped beside him.

“ I’m sorry Dutch... I didn’t help matters either arguing with you about everything... I didn’t see it was hurting him and you.... we ... we have to find him.”

Nodding Dutch buried his head in his hands and wept himself, all the emotions flooding out at once.

“ I .... I did this Hosea.... he’s my son and I promised him I wouldn’t ever replace him and never let him be alone.”

Hushing his friend, Hosea knew Dutch was punishing himself.

“ I know I know..... you can change this Dutch.... you can start trusting those that’s known you the longest, like me and our boys.”

Wiping his eyes, Dutch sniffles.

“ your right.... as usual, let’s go find him,” 

Nodding they mount up and begin the trek to track there boy down.

Arthur’s vision was a blur, riding hard, tears streaming down his face, he couldn’t go back to being Dutch’s errand boy, he used to be so much more to him, grabbing his journal that was given to him by his fathers, he tossed it and kept riding, he wouldn’t need it anymore anyway.

Riding for hours, horse blowing with exhaustion he approached O’Creagh’s run, slowing to a trot he made his way down to the waters edge. Dismounting he fell to his knees and wept. Closing his eyes a vision from the past flooded his mind.

“ Dutch Dutch help help !!!!!.”

The young lad came running through the water, Dutch who was washing the blood from his hands, a perfect deer for dinner nothing better he looked at the kid in alarm and began striding towards him.

“ Arthur!!! What’s wrong?”

Arthur ran towards Dutch who lowered himself to his knees and opened his arms.

Arthur collided with Dutch making the elder counteract the sudden weight, Arthur hid his face in Dutch’s chest, heaving with effort from running, Dutch smoothed his hair back.

“ easy son, I’m here what’s wrong.”

“ Hosea’s angry with me.”

Pulling back and making Arthur look him the eye.

“ why, whatcha done.”

Before Arthur could respond a very wet and angry Hosea came storming over.

“ where is the little shit, no use hiding in Dutch’s arms.”

Laughing Dutch couldn’t help it, Hosea threw him a stern look.

“ Now Arthur what did you do.”

Dutch couldn’t help but say through a chuckle.

Sheepishly Arthur played with Dutch’s chains.

“ I only wanted to play a trick on papa and ..... I pushed him in the lake.”

Shaking his head, Dutch gave Hosea a pitiful look.

“ now now Hosea Arthur was just playing weren’t you son.”

Nodding Arthur snuggles into Dutch’s chest.

“ Dutch let him go, look at me I’m soaking.”

Trembling Arthur tightened his grip, Dutch giggled.  
Hosea stormed off grumbling.  
“ fucking kids.”

After a while, Dutch pried Arthur from him.

“ I’m sorry Dutch.... I was only playing...... I didn’t mean it.”

Wiping tears away with his thumb Dutch smiled.

“ it’s not me you need to apologise to son, I know you didn’t mean to but pushing Hosea in the lake wasn’t very nice, we don’t do that son, now go and apologise to him.”

Gulping Arthur looked to a angry Hosea, turning to a still kneeling Dutch, he started to cry.

“ hey it’s ok Arthur go on, I’ve never known Hosea to hurt kids, he won’t hurt you.”

Nodding Arthur crept forward, upon reaching Hosea who had his back to him Arthur threw his arms around him, tensing Hosea didn’t move.

“ I’m sorry Hosea.... I didn’t mean too, I swear... can you forgive me.... don’t hate me... please.”

Smiling Hosea grabbed Arthur and swung him to the front of him so he was on his back, Hosea just smirks.

“ apology accepted, just don’t do it again kiddo.”

Nodding hastily, Arthur gets up and throws himself at Hosea who wraps his arms around him hushing him. 

“ easy Arthur, I know you didn’t mean to sorry I frightened you.”

Dutch just smiled, he got up from his knees and made his way over to the embraced pair and wrapped his own arms around them.

“ Arthur.... we won’t ever leave you... I love you to much.”

“ you .... you promise.”

“ I promise son.”

He closed his eyes.

Coming back to reality Arthur opened his eyes, tears streaming down his face, Dutch didn’t mean that.... he promised but he still ended up alone. Grabbing his hunting knife he pressed it to his forearm. One, just one line wouldn’t hurt would it.

Looking at the blade he draws it down, seeing blood seep from the cut, he deserved this, Dutch wouldn’t want him now anyway. Arthur sat there by the lakeside but this time alone. Sinking the knife deeper he knew he’d lost his only family.

Hosea and Dutch where becoming frantic with worry, with Arthur in the state he’s in, the law wouldn’t have any issue arresting him.  
Dutch was shaking.

“ Hosea.... I .... I can’t loose him.”

“ I know.... we need to plan together... like we used to.... just us.”

Nodding Dutch had to admit his friend was right, going out fishing had triggered this, maybe Arthur missed it more than he thought.

About to give up Hosea spotted something down in dewberry creek.

“ Dutch what’s that, down there.”

Dutch cantered down and dismounted before the Count even stopped, he scrambled to the object and picked it up.

“ fuck... oh my god no.”

Closing behind him, Hosea looked at Dutch in panic.

“ what is it?”

“ it’s .... it’s his Journal.... fuck Hosea.... ARTHUR!!!!!.”

Hosea took the journal from his friends shaking hands and looked inside. Dutch was pacing the length on the creek looking for any evidence that Arthur was still nearby.

“ Dutch.... Dutch.... DUTCH!!!!!.”

“WHAT.” 

Dutch stopped his frantic pacing to face Hosea.

“ will you stop that pacing your making me dizzy. I .... I think I know where he’s gone.”

Opening the journal to the latest page, it was sketch of a lake and bear and .... a picture of Hosea.

Glancing at the page Dutch had no clue where it was.

“ where is that, did you two take a day trip or something.”

Looking up from the page, he looked sheepishly at Dutch who looked confused.

“ errrrr yea we took a hunting trip to look for a huge bear, back when we was at horseshoe.”

“ and you didn’t tell me!”

Not keeping the annoyed tone from his voice, Dutch felt betrayed.

“ anything else I should know, that you’ve done behind my back.”

Hosea brushed his thumb over the drawing and mumbles.

“ it’s not like that Dutch.... I just wanted to spend some time with the lad... that’s all.”

Softening Dutch sighs and places a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“ ok, I’m sorry, where is it anyway, looks nice.”

Smiling Hosea looks up.

“ it’s called O’Creagh’s run, I think he’s gone there, it’s the last time we had a enjoyable outing and he like the location.”

Moving to mount up, Dutch gave a determined look.

“ Ok Hosea lead the way, I’ll follow your lead.”

Smiling Hosea put the Journal in his satchel and mounted up and led the way.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can a broken family be reunited

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave kudos and comments also taking requests

The world seemed to stop, Arthur was feeling giddy maybe he had gone to far this time, he must be honest with himself he hasn’t done this since he was a teenager and he had gotten Dutch hurt on a robbery gone wrong, he blamed himself and felt necessary to hurt himself for it, Dutch never found out, and Hosea guessed something wasn’t right but never knew the extent of it. He had treated the cut himself and moved on, Dutch had been sour with him for weeks but once he stumbled on Arthur shivering against a tree outside camp he softened, he couldn’t blame the lad for the injury, after all robbing successfully came from experience and the only way to gain it was to do it. That night Dutch had taken a cold and upset Arthur back to his tent and spent the night with him, by morning he made things right and since then always gave the boy his attention.

But that was all in past now Dutch didn’t care, he just wanted someone to get the job done, someone who could get him out of shit if needed, a body guard, errand boy, a replaceable asset, with each thought came more cuts on his arm, he began to shake through blood loss and the cold, night was setting in as the sun was dipping behind the mountains, Arthur gave a weak smile he and Hosea had been this way and the daft old man almost got his ass handed to him by the big brute of a bear, what would Hosea think of him now... pathetic most probably..... snaking the knife down his arm again, they where getting deep.

He might as well end his life all together, letting of a weak chuckle he raised the knife and turned it to his chest, it would be over, he can die with at least one happy memory, he took a deep breath and went to plunge the knife in his chest when he heard a horse, no correction horses.

Hosea and Dutch appeared over the hill and instantly spotted Arthur down by the waters edge with a knife pointed to his chest, Dutch panicked, he practically dived off his horse and raced down the bank.

“ Arthur !!!,”

Jumping at the voice, Arthur tensed but still kept a hold of the knife to his chest.

Seeing that Arthur had pressed the knife further into his chest, he knew a sudden movement would send it into his heart Dutch was shaking just as much as him, Hosea came up beside him and gasped.

“ oh dear god, where’s that blood come from,”

Dutch had been so focused on the knife Arthur had pressed into his own chest he had failed to notice the blood on his arms and floor.

“ Jesus ...... ar...Arthur.... you.... did..... no please tell me you haven’t.”

Hand shaking on the knife, Arthur began to sob,

“ m’ sorry ..... oh god .... I’m so sorry..... you... hate me .... what’s point .... no point goin on ...... what ever I did m’sorry.”

The last part was no more than a whisper and Dutch’s heart broke, he had to get the knife out of his hand before he plunges it into his chest.

He looked at Hosea who’s eyes were fixated on his arms.

“ oh .... Arthur, why Son.... you didn’t need to do this to yourself.”

He made to move towards him but Arthur moved the knife further in now blood was present, must of gone far enough to cut skin, instantly stoping Hosea had tears of his own, holding his hands up in a gesture to try and reassure Arthur that he wasn’t going to advance any further.

“ don’t come any closer..... I don’t want pity..... once I’m better you’ll just ignore me again..... I can’t.... I can’t do it anymore.”

Shouting the words both men flinched, Dutch for once in his life had no plan, no idea on how to stop Arthur from plunging the knife through his heart and Hosea looked just as lost. 

Dutch made to approach, but Arthur gripped the knife harder.

“ easy son, easy, come on give me the knife.... please son.”

Looking at Dutch with no emotion, Dutch internally flinched Arthur looked wild and scared.  
Dutch softened his approach and lowered himself to his knees. Giving Hosea a look of can you give us a minute, Hosea nodded and went to his horse to get some medical supplies.

Turning his attention back to Arthur, Dutch went to touch his sons arm, but Arthur flinched and with the jump the knife broke more skin and he yelped. Hosea swung round but Dutch just shook his head at him, about to argue Hosea stopped himself when he saw Dutch gently reach forward and grab the knife and looked into his sons tear filled eyes. How he could get through to him was beyond him he was about to relax when Hosea’s eyes widened as Dutch tightened the hold on Arthur’s hand on the knife and instead of prying it from the youngers hand he just turned it around so the blade was now against his own chest, at the gesture Arthur’s own shock brought him back to reality. Hosea panicked what was Dutch thinking, in Arthur’s state he could just stab him. Dutch just smiled.

“ Arthur.... if your going to end your own life.... end mine first.... I ...I did this and I’m sorry..... you’ve always been special to me.... and I’m sorry for making you think otherwise.... your never replaceable...... ok ..... never..... I ... I .. love you.”

Closing his eyes Dutch waited for the pain of the blade piercing his chest. Hosea just held his breath frozen in place as Arthur’s hand gripped the knife. Talking to himself Hosea couldn’t move just watch.

“ please .... son.... please don’t do this......”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> as Arthur struggles to see what’s real can Dutch bring him back to him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy 😉

For Hosea all he could do was mutter to himself, here he was stood frozen to the spot watching his son holding a knife to his best friends chest, even though Dutch had initiated the gesture Arthur made no effort to lower the blade which made Hosea twitchy he knew deep down that Arthur would never hurt Dutch no matter how much of an ass he’s been, that being said he never thought he’d seen him in this state so he didn’t know if he actually would stab him, all Hosea could do was watch and he felt useless.

Arthur was lost, his mind wondered back to the day he was in Dutch’s arms by the lakeside because he’d managed to upset Hosea, remembering how safe he felt in Dutch’s arms, how he clung to him, felt like nothing could touch him, the happiness felt knowing he was loved..... love...... never leave Love aside.

Seeming to snap out of his thoughts shaking Arthur looked at a equally shaking Dutch, he elder was on his knees in front of him with his eyes shut, breathing coming in panicked gasps almost like he was expecting something bad to happen, that’s when Arthur looked down at what he was holding a knife pressed to Dutch’s chest, his own hand underneath Dutch’s, eyes widening at the realisation that Dutch was waiting for him to kill him. 

Arthur tried to speak, but it came out croaky and raspy with emotion.

D...Dutch?.”

Hearing his sons broken response, Dutch pried his eyes open, the knife still pressed to his chest was slowly lowering, all he could do was smile.

“Hey, you with me, I always told you we go out together, and I ment it.”

With Dutch’s voice, that’s all it took for the barrier to break Arthur opened his hand on the knife and so did Dutch and it dropped to the ground with a clank as it hit the rocks, swiftly Dutch threw it out of reach just as Arthur collapsed into him sobbing and shaking.

“ oh god.... Dutch... m’ sorry .... so sorry.... I .. I coulda killed you... I saw nothing.... felt nothin....”

Dutch just gathered his son in his arms and rocked him back and forth while he cried, blood from his arms staining his vest and shirt, Dutch didn’t care he just clung to Arthur not letting him go, Dutch buried his head in his sons shoulder and his voice broke.

“ it’s ok... god it’s ok... easy Arthur.... I could never let you go.... your my special ...my special boy.”

Hosea, was wiping tears of his own, he felt so proud and he was the only one lucky enough to see Dutch offer this much care and love and it was only reserved for a select few and mostly the boy in his arms now, gathering some whisky and bandages he was ready to approach when Dutch gave him the go ahead he didn’t want to risk undoing all that he had managed to achieve so he waited quietly and patiently.

After a few minutes or crying in each other’s arms, Dutch whisperers into Arthur’s ear, the only kind of voice that Dutch gave when he was a young boy and needed him and Arthur cried anew this was his Dutch and he knew it couldn’t last, feeling anger and frustration Arthur tries to dig his nails into the already deep cuts, but Dutch gently takes a hold of his wrists being careful not to hurt him further, and looks him in the eyes.

“ please ..... don’t... don’t do that Arthur.... your hurting yourself more.... it’s going to be ok... I won’t leave you alone again ..... I promise.... I know i failed you before... but please believe me I want to help you.... be your father like I was before... a family, me you and Hosea.”

Looking down at Dutch’s hands around his wrists Arthur felts more tears drop from his face hitting the elders fingers, then he looked up and lent forward seeking warmth and touch from him, Dutch obliges and parts his arms keeping a hold of his wrists and placing them on his back to keep Arthur from digging into them more, Arthur just curled up and his arms and again Dutch murmured comforting words in his ear, feeling tears building his own eyes again, he looked up towards a very worked up Hosea and gave him a sad smile and nod.

Pulling away from the embrace, Dutch knew the cuts needed to cleaned to avoid infection.

“ Arthur... is it ok if Hosea come down with stuff to clean these cuts up with, I will be right here I won’t be going anywhere, that ok son.”

Closing his eyes Arthur nodded and Dutch sat up and motioned Hosea to come down, Dutch began to get up from his knees and Arthur panicked and grabbed hold of his arm.  
Lowering himself back down Dutch rubbed circles on his knuckles.

“ hey.. calm down I’m just moving out the way so Hosea can work ok, I’ll sit behind you how’s that sound you can lean into my chest so you know I’m still there, that sound good to you?”

Giving a nod, Dutch smiled and patted his hand letting of a slight chuckle.

“ annnnd my legs have gone dead kneeling like this i actually do need to move.”

And for the first time in what seems like months, Arthur smiled and it was a genuine smile.

Returning the smile Dutch moved and set himself behind him, and motioned for Arthur to lean against him.

“ see I’m right here, I ain’t going anywhere son.”

Closing his eyes Arthur relaxed into the warmth and heart beat behind him.  
Dutch looked at Hosea who was just getting to the pair, he lowered himself to the same spot Dutch had been and kept his actions slow.

“ Hey Arthur, it’s just me ok, Dutch is going to stay behind you just like he promised and I’m going to clean and bandage these that ok with you?”

Nodding, Arthur was worryingly quiet even though he wasn’t one for words, not hearing anything at all wasn’t normal, Hosea glances at Dutch who just nods him to continue.

“ ok Arthur, let’s get you patched up,”

Hosea worked in silence, cleaning each cut throughly some where deep and worried him, they might need stitches if they don’t stop bleeding, after washing his arm, Hosea counted 10 cuts all different lengths and depths, he felt sick and what made it worse he found old scars, healed but the same, Arthur had done this before and neither of them noticed, he made a mental note to himself to address Dutch about it later when Arthur was out of ear shot but for now he was just going to wrap these fresh ones up.

Arthur only gave so much as the odd hiss in pain from the touches and the odd flinch, all the while Dutch was rubbing his stomach and where his hands settled on him.

After Hosea finished up he went to wash the blood off his hands in the lake and put his wet hand on his face and gave a shaky sigh.

“ he needs rest Dutch, and so do we, best thing is to stay away from camp,”

Hearing the word camp, Arthur tensed and tried to rip himself from Dutch’s grasp but this time the hold Dutch had was more secure and tightened his grip.

“ heeeeyyy shhhhhh Arthur it’s ok, we aren’t going back tonight ok, calm down for me,”

“ Dutch when we go back you’ll forget me..... again.”

No more than a low choked up voice Dutch had to really strain to understand it but he did and it broke his heart to think he feared going back because he thought he was going to forgotten and left alone, Dutch held his son tighter, not now never, his boy needed him. Hosea gave Dutch a frown, he knew Arthur has done this before and he definitely wasn’t going to left alone or forgotten, giving Arthur’s arm a rub he smiled as he spoke.

“ Arthur... remember when you shoved me in that lake out west, and I was fuming with you, so you ran to Dutch and he hugged you and protected you.”

In surprise, Arthur looked at Hosea.

“ you remember that, but yea I do I didn’t mean it Hosea I swear... I swear I didn’t.”

Oh god even this was causing a panic episode, jesus the kid was messed up, Dutch threw Hosea a what the fuck you bring that up for look, but Hosea just placed his finger on Arthur’s lips and smiled.

“ you didn’t let me finish, I was never angry at you, but I did want it to be a lesson, to respect those that care for you and love you by giving it back in return, when you apologised what did we say as all three of us where huddled together hmmm.”

Looking down, then he craned his neck to hopefully get help from Dutch, who just smiled and pressed a kiss to his head, remembered his words Arthur smiled through tears.

“ you .... you said you’ll never leave me.... alone ever and that you ... you loved me.”

Nodding Hosea shuffled forwards and wrapped his arms around him, and Dutch wrapped his arms around them both and gave a emotional response.

“ Hosea’s right Arthur we are family we love you.”

Hissing at the squeeze Hosea let go and looked at Arthur concern on his face.

“ Arthur..... what’s wrong?”

Bringing a shaky hand to his chest, Hosea mentally slapped himself shit of course the knife.

“ oh god son I’m sorry I.... I forgot about that.”

Smiling Arthur just shook his head.

“ it’s ok I shoulda said something”

Grabbing a rag Hosea began to carefully pry his clothes away from the cut, humming Dutch couldn’t keep his own worry out of his voice.

“ how’s it lookin,”

“ it’s not deep but will be sore, I’ll just clean it shouldn’t need anything else,”

“ good, we should make camp it’s getting cold don’t want you getting sick son,”

Nodding Hosea, got up and went to get there camping gear.

“ it’s ok Dutch you stay with him, a promise is a promise I’ll get set up, you keep him warm.”

Nodding in understanding, Dutch used his thumb on Arthur’s stomach in a soothing circle.

“ I won’t leave you son, I love you to much for that.”

Smiling at the words Arthur nuzzled Dutch’s chest like he did all those years ago.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s a long night for all of them but Arthur still doesn’t want to go back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally catching up with all the fictions enjoy I apologise for any mistakes

Hosea set up the temporary camp near the lake side and once he was finished came and crouched down in front of the embraced pair.

“ hey Arthur,”

Flinching at the voice Hosea hushed him and gave his arm a reassuring rub.

“ hey now it’s just me, sorry did I wake you.”

Blinking a few times, Arthur felt a twang of panic in his chest if Hosea was in front of him where was Dutch, frantically looking around his breath sped up.

“Dutch..... where.... please... don’t leave me, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean too.”

Feeling a soft squeeze behind him and then a firm hand resting on his stomach, he then felt it rings, Dutch was behind him he hadn’t left him alone.  
Then just to send the confirmation home to his heart he heard the voice he longed for.

“ easy son, I’m right here I haven’t moved, you fell asleep in my arms, you’ve nothing to be sorry for ok.”

Hosea just smiled, but made to move him to get them both warm by the fire.

“ come on you two, let’s get warm and fed, Arthur can you stand?”

Nodding, Arthur regained his composure and shakily got to his feet with Dutch following swiftly to offer support if needed.

“ lean on me if you need too, ok.”

Accepting the offer Arthur dropped his head to Dutch’s shoulder as the elder wrapped his arm around him.

“ come on son it’s getting cold, you want some food,”

Shaking his head the very thought of food make him feel sick.

Hosea just shook his head as Dutch was about to protest, one night wouldn’t hurt without anything to eat.

“ ok Arthur I won’t force you to eat but I will meet you half way, you need to have a drink at least ok.”

“ ok, thanks Hosea.”

Nodding, Arthur was thankful he was here, the amount of times Hosea had gotten him out of shit from Dutch he had lost count, but no matter what he always went running to Dutch when he was scared or needed comfort.

As they sat beside the fire, Arthur fell asleep again leaning on Dutch, feeling the sudden dead weight he looked to his side and smiled, gave him a loving squeeze and looked back towards Hosea who was just staring at the flames.

“ Hosea old friend what’s wrong?”

“ nothing Dutch long day that’s all.”

“ now don’t give me that bull shit I’ve know you years come on,”

Sighing, Hosea sat up and took a swig of whisky

“ he’s done this before.”

Dutch looked confused.

“ who’s done what before?”

“ Arthur Dutch.... he’s harmed himself before.”

Confused to shock, Dutch looked back at his slumbering son, and then eyes drifted to his bandaged arms.

“ what you mean he’s harmed before.”

“ when I was cleaning the cuts there’s old scars, same as the ones he’s made today, they aren’t recent by any means but they are definitely the same.”

Feeling tears building in his eyes, Dutch sniffled.

“ why didn’t I notice.... I’m supposed to look after him.... protect him... why didn’t he come to me.”

Keeping his voice low, Hosea didn’t know and that was the truth of it.

“ I don’t know Dutch I wish I did, only he can tell us that, maybe he will tell you but don’t force the kid to say anything ok.”

Giving a sad nod, Dutch put his head on Arthur’s and fell asleep with Hosea following an hour later.

Morning came and Arthur woke first to a slumbering Dutch next to him. Feeling dread hit him like train, they where going back to normal life, feeling himself cry he started to shake and he looked at his wrists and the urge to scrape at them to feel the pain.

Feeling the shaking woke Dutch who looked sleepily at the source of the shaking and was met with a sorry sight, Arthur didn’t know he had woken up and was to fixated on trying to get to his wrists, horror flooded Dutch’s system, Arthur really was trying to hurt himself again, carefully Dutch moved and shuffled to get in front of him, then quietly and slowly placing his own hands on Arthur’s wrists to stop him trying to hurt himself, Arthur sucked in a breath and looked up to meet Dutch’s own tear filled ones.  
Prying his hands apart Dutch set them on his own chest.

“ please don’t do that son, you don’t need to hurt yourself, can you tell me why you want to?”

Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath Arthur just shook his head.

“ I just..... feel like I have to I can’t stop it.”

Getting worked up with every word Dutch let go of one of his hands to thumb away a stray tear from his face.

“ shhhhh Arthur it’s ok, I’m here ok, I’m here.”

Going to move his free hand, Dutch quickly placed his own back on it and shook his head.

“ no son, keep them both on my chest, keep them there until I say so ok.”

Looking confused Arthur just nodded, behind them Hosea had woken to the scene before them and was just staring. 

Dutch was rubbing his hand up his arm.

“ Arthur.... you ever feel like hurting yourself again, even if it’s in 10 minutes time you come to me ok, even when we head back to camp because i know you don’t want to go back, but I promise you, you are priority and you’ve always been my priority I’m sorry if I strayed from that. You come to me day or night and we will ride it out together ok, if I’m not around for any reason you go to Hosea... ok?”

Nodding Arthur just opened his arms wider and Dutch pulled him into a hug.

“ oh my boy, c’mere, shhhhh your ok”

Hosea silently got up and joined them.

“ hey don’t leave me out.”

Chuckling Dutch looked up.

“ never old friend, should we head back, that ok with you Arthur?”

Not convinced Arthur just shook and went to grab his wrists, this time Hosea took his hands.

“ come on Arthur, it’s ok, easy breath with me, exactly what Dutch said he won’t leave you and I won’t either.”

Nodding Dutch got up and began to get ready to go home, Arthur was dreading it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So the boys head back to camp and Arthur experiences another episode of the need to hurt, but will Dutch keep his word or will he just carry on planning with Micah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for late updates again I’ve been working on video projects of vandermorgan if anyone’s interested message me  
> Any mistakes I do apologise

After packing up they headed back to camp Dutch rode beside Arthur to keep an eye on him, with each step of his horse Arthur shuddered the thought of going closer to camp was like the knife he held to his chest was still there, Hosea was upfront and keeping the pace slow, Dutch didn’t fail to notice Arthur’s uncertainty about returning.

“ Arthur, hey you doing ok son, I’m right here see I’m not going anywhere.”

Looking at his reins, Arthur let out a shuddering breath, damn he wanted to cut so bad, Dutch also didn’t fail to notice the little thought that popped into the boys head and before he could act upon it placed a hand on his shoulder.

“ don’t.... I know what your thinking Arthur, please don’t.... talk to me.”

Looking up, clever git how did he know and before Arthur could say anything Dutch smirked at his own deductions.

“ I know what your gonna say... how did I know you wanted to harm yourself.”

Shaking his head in disbelief was he really that obvious.

“ how you know, it’s just I trust you, you know I do but when Micah gets talkin to you it’s like I don’t matter no more.”

Looking ahead Dutch mentally slapped himself he had been favouriting the wild crazed man over him but he never thought much of it and if he was being honest didn’t think Arthur would be this effected.

It was then Hosea pulled up along side Arthur’s other side.

“ you know he’s kinda right Dutch, you’ve even listened to him over me, I can see where Arthur’s coming from, I just shrug it off but looks like Arthur misses you am I right son?”

Giving a sheepish nod, no point denying anything now, he had been missing those nights with Dutch the days with him going on fun adventures and being a family, even when John joined Dutch had given the kid more attention but Arthur never minded Dutch had taken him for a drink or given a hug and quiet talk time when John was asleep but this.... this was different Micah had taken everything he had and the loss drove him to do nothing but cut himself.

“ oh Arthur... I...I ... I’m sorry lad, if I had known, I thought you liked being on your own, havin your own space, your always out chasing leads and keeping yourself to yourself I never thought you wanted me.”

Shrugging his shoulders as they rode side by side, Arthur knew he did like his alone time but he knew he could come and curl up beside Dutch when he wanted or just be with him when he wanted now he can’t even approach without Micah being there coming up with plans.

“ I .... I know I like my alone time .....but.”

Looking into Dutch’s eyes, the younger started to weep as he gets his last confession out.

“ I knew I could be with you when I wanted.... curl up beside you... feel safe and wanted..... loved and not alone..... but now Micah seems to of taken my place.”

Wiping his tears Dutch feels like he’s had a bullet to the heart... was Miach worth all this.

“ Arthur.... come to me when you want and especially when you feel the need to harm yourself ok son?”

Nodding Arthur rode ahead down the narrow path to camp Hosea slotted along side the leader.

“ he misses you Dutch.. what you gunna do about Micah?”

Sighing in truth Dutch didn’t know but he was certain of one thing his son came first. 

“ come on Hosea let’s get the horses hitched and fed and i for one need a drink... I’ll keep my eye on him best I can without staring, just hope the lad trust me and comes to me if he needs me.”

Nodding Hosea frowned at the remembrance of the old cuts.

“ wonder what caused him to start... Micah wasn’t with us then... I mean I’m not standing up for him like and you should just give Micah the cold shoulder and treat him like the others if you don’t wanna cut him loose, but Arthur comes first Dutch.”

The last part Hosea’s voice was a warning to Dutch to keep his promise he knows the elder will gut him if he breaks Arthur’s already fragile heart.

As Hosea and Dutch where hitching there horses John approached them from watch swop.

“ hey Dutch everything ok ... I errr saw Arthur riding in ahead of you when I asked him if he was ok he just tipped his hat, hitched his horse and headed straight for his tent, what’s happened he was pulling as his sleeves an awful lot too.”

Frowning Dutch glanced towards Arthur’s cot and saw him laying flat out staring into space.

“ he will be ok John I’m keeping an eye on him, let’s say no more about it ok.”

Looking at Hosea who just nodded, John walked off towards Abigail and Jack.

“ you know Dutch Johns been lucky, he has a family, Arthur ..... well you know he’s lost his more than once, you mean a lot to him more than you realise, I think he’d take a bullet for you Dutch.... he trusts you with his life I think it’s time you did the same.”

Turning to his friend who was looking at John, Dutch was hit with a sudden realisation that he needed Arthur just as much as he needed him.  
And for the first time since Annabelle’s death Dutch had tears of pure emotion falling down his cheeks.

Hearing the sobs Hosea looks at the usually emotionless leader and smiled in sympathy.

“ hey, Dutch you ok, can’t have both of you sobbing can we, you know now your clever enough to know who you want to believe and who you want to put first... don’t let Micah tell you otherwise... to be honest with you I think he could have something to do with everything that going wrong.”

Staring in disbelief Dutch looked towards Arthur who looked liked he had fallen asleep.

“ well old friend let’s go get something to drink and some food I’m starving.”

“ Dutch your always hungry.”

Laughing in sync the friends walked into camp.

It would be a few hours later, Dutch was relaxing in his tent and as usual Micah was trying to be the leaders favourite, Dutch for now was playing along but kept a sharp eye on Arthur to make sure he wasn’t hurting himself. Micah seemed to pick up that the leader was somewhat distracted.

“ Dutch... you even listening to me.”

“Hmmmm.”

“ the stagecoach Dutch, it’s gunna have a lot of money on it, easy pickings, what you think.”

“ seems a little set up to me Micah.”

“ boss that’s nonsense, it’ll be easy, even Arthur can pull it off.”

Hearing his sons name seemed to snap something in Dutch, he grabbed his collar and dragged him to his face, voice laced with anger.

“ don’t you ever... ever say my boys name again in that context you understand me.”

“ easy Dutch easy I’m only jokin we all know cowpokes good.”

Letting go, Dutch has just about had enough himself, Arthur had woken up and saw Micah with Dutch again, he sighed same old life, and me shoved to side again, the familiar feeling of the urge to cut hit him like a punch to the gut, he went to grab his knife, glanced at Dutch, good he’s distracted, and lowered the blade to his exposed skin where there was no bandages, just as he was going to cut, something stopped him, Dutch words, come to me, shaking he looked up at the leader, well he ain’t got nothin to loose trying to be with him, he did promise. Shakily he got to his feet and went over to the tent. 

Arriving at the entrance, he hesitated seemed they was planning a stagecoach robbery without him, shuffling on the spot hands shaking if he was going to try he had to do it now before he sliced himself open.

“ D...Dutch.”

Hearing his sons shaky voice Dutch snapped his head up, features had a slight anger look to them, almost like the usual do not bother me.  
It was Micah who spoke for both of them as he often did nowadays.

“ wha you want cowpoke, can’t you see me and boss are plannin, go make yourself useful or go wonderin like you usually do.”

Hearing the words Dutch then stepped forward just as Arthur looked to ground and was going to turn around, breaking into a slight jog that wasn’t needed he put a soft hand on his boys shoulder, Micah just gaped.

“ Arthur.... what’s wrong?”

Dutch kept his voice low and calm, ignoring Micah’s glare.

Keeping his voice low Arthur’s voice shook just as much as his hands.

“ I ..... you... you said I could come to you.... I need to..... I wanna ....”

Dutch understood and wrapped an arm around him turning him around.

“ Micah piss off, go hunting or summit I don’t really care, I need some time with my son.”

Looking in disbelief Micah just sneered.

“ Dutch he ain’t even your son, you call everyone that, he’s just after attention.”

Feeling Arthur trying to rip himself from the leaders grip again, Dutch tightened his grip he wasn’t going to loose his boy again and especially it to Micah’s loud mouth.

“ Micah get out now or so help me I will shoot you where you stand.”

Holding his hands up Micah walked away.

Guiding Arthur inside his tent Dutch closed the flaps and the minute they where alone Arthur collapses into his waiting arms.

“ well done son, shhhhhh hey it ok, I got you now, I’m so proud of you, you cane to me instead of harming, so so proud of you.”

Hugging his boy Arthur shook.

“ I wanna cut Dutch.... I can’t help it I need too.”

“ ok ok, Arthur listen to me, we are going to work together here, ok hands on my chest just like before and no moving them ok”

Placing shaking hands on his mentors firm chest, his shook with need and panic.

“ Dutch I’m so sorry, you said come to you, I didn’t mean to stop you planing.”

“ hush now Arthur, don’t apologise son, I ment what I said you can bother me anytime, even if I’m planning, which to be perfectly honest with you was a stupid one I got sick of listening.”

Arthur looked up with a mixture of tears and laughs. 

“ you think his idea was a stupid one?”

Smiling back, Dutch chuckled.

“ yes, so like I say Arthur anytime, ok?”

After a while of talking and having his hands on Dutch’s chest, he slowly lowered them after Dutch said he could.

“ ok Arthur, feel ok?”

“ yea, a bit better, the urge is there still but with you here I don’t feel like I have too.”

Smiling Dutch went to undress for bed, it was gone 11pm and after the day they’ve had even he was exhausted.

“ Arthur, you ok now, get some rest son, wake me if you need me.”

Arthur didn’t want to leave, but also didn’t want to push his luck in asking to stay.  
Dutch has slung himself down on the cot but sensed Arthur was still there and opened one eye to see him still sat where he left him.

“ Arthur?”

Shaking slightly, Arthur began to fidget with his bandages on his wrists and Dutch noticed and opens both eyes but didn’t get up.

“ don’t... leave them be son.”

Flinching Arthur places his hands in his knees and sucks in a breath.

“ Dutch... can... can I stay here... with you tonight I don’t wanna be alone.”

Heart melting at the request, he knew Molly would be coming in soon, but even she came second to Arthur, smiling he shuffled over and gestures for the lad to join him.

“ c’mere, you over grown soppy kid,.”

Arthur undressed to his union suit and slid in beside Dutch and let out a content sigh and curled up the best he could beside him smiling.  
Dutch lowered his hand to his boys side and that’s when Molly entered and saw the two cuddled up Dutch just shook his head and gave a flick of his head for her to leave for tonight, not being too happy she obliges and left the boys in privacy, yes Dutch would always put his boy first.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur finally reveals when he first harmed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter enjoy

The night was peaceful and by morning Arthur woke well rested and very warm, he slowly moved to avoid waking the leader, as he tried to get up he caught the fresh cuts, bandages moving slightly on the sore skin and gave out a hiss. Hearing the pained voice next to him Dutch woke up and blinked sleep away, instinctively tightened his grip on his boy.

“Hey Arthur you ok.”

Voice thick with sleep, Dutch sat up and places his hands on his sons arms and rubbed lightly over the bandages.

“ hmmmm these need changing son, can’t let them get infected, you feeling better?”

Blinking and then looking up at Dutch, Arthur took in a shuddering breath.

“Dutch.... it’s... it’s not the first time I’ve cut, I didn’t think I’d ever do it again, but ... but.”

“ easy Arthur, breath, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, what I don’t want is you to go and do this alone instead of coming to me or Hosea.”

Gesturing to the bandages that he was unwrapping then trying to be as careful as he can, once they where off they are stained in blood and the cuts looked angry and sore, frowning Dutch filled some bowls up with water and got the medical supplies from a chest in his tent, Dutch sat Arthur down on his cot and began cleaning the cuts. Hissing in pain as Dutch glided the cloth over the sore gashes, Dutch winced I’m sympathy.

“ I’m sorry son, I know it’s sore but these need cleaning.”

“ Dutch !!!!, Dutch you there I need you to start planning, surely Arthur isn’t still with you, we could use his muscle on the job though if he can manage it.”

Arthur winced and went to claw at the cuts the sound of Micah just reminded him how much he was shoved aside and didn’t actually matter, Dutch’s eyes flashed in anger and annoyance that Arthur couldn’t work out if it was him he was annoyed at.

“ Dutch.... I’m sorry, I .... I can handle it, if you wanna.”

“ Arthur.... stop right there, Micah!! fuck off I’ll talk to you when I’m good and ready, don’t make me come out there.”

Hearing mumbles and a rustling of boots, Arthur looked down to see his fingernails caked in fresh blood, instantly looking at Dutch with sadness.

“ sorry... Dutch.... oh god I’m sorry.”

Instantly grabbing his hands and washing them, Dutch just frowned and shook his head.

“ it’s ok son, it’s ok, trust me I don’t mind, we need to work on this, you need to know that you don’t need to do this, I’m sorry I haven’t been the father you wanted but I will try to change that.... if you will let me.”

Leaning into Dutch chest, Dutch wrapped his arms around him.

“ shhhhh it’s ok, now do you want to tell me.”

Nodding against his chest, Dutch places his head on top of his boys.

“ ok Arthur I’m listening, Take your time.”

Rising from his chest Arthur took a long deep breath and looked at his arms.

“ I... i first started, a few years after you and Hosea picked me up, I know I was sorta clingy to you.”

Both men smirked at each other.

“ more than a bit son.”

Blushing slightly, Arthur coughed before continuing.

“ it was the week of the first big bank job, the one out west, well it was my first, not yours, and then when it all went wrong because of me, I got you hurt Dutch, it was my fault you got shot, I thought you was going to die, blood pouring out of you and it was all because I froze up and you paid for my error, you didn’t allow me near you for ages after that and it made me blame myself more, I thought you... I thought......”

Placing his hands on Arthur’s arms that made Arthur look up to see tears in the leaders eyes, he removed one hand and parted his shirt to reveal the bullet scar on his chest, Arthur ran a finger over it and gulped.

“ I thought you hated me, that night round the fire, Hosea was tending to you, and I tried to help hopefully stay with you to say sorry and ask for forgiveness but you both told me to leave.”

“ oh Arthur I’m sorry, we wasn’t angry at you, it was just circumstances that made us lash out.... we wasn’t going to kick you out or make you leave, and I definitely don't hate you, I adopted you, took you in, it was your first job I should never of taken it out on you son.... that when you.”

Gesturing to his wrists... Arthur nods.

“ oh Arthur, oh my sweet boy, c’mere.”

Arthur folds himself into Dutch chest.”

“ how about me you and Hosea go out for a while... your choice.... I’ll clean these up, redress them and we will go out yeah.”

Looking up Arthur grinned, Dutch was trying to make him feel wanted and this was the Dutch he knew and Arthur nodded.

“ excellent... I’ll just dress these up and you go grab Hosea and to tack the horses up, can you do the count for me son, I’m going to have a quiet word with mister bell.”

The grin turned to a frown, and Dutch cupped his chin.

“ don’t worry son, Micah will never replace you, he’s starting to irritate me, and if I’m honest I’m starting to suspect foul play, if your up to it you fancy grabbing your brother and following Micah if I send him out on a job.”

Nodding enthusiastically, Arthur hugged his father.

“ you can trust me Dutch, me and John will follow him tomorrow can I suggest a job, one that if he is ratting on us he would go and report into Pinkerton HQ.”

Snorting in amusement Dutch nodded.

“ get thinking son, tell me what your plan is and I’ll tell Micah tonight, I’m just going to plant the idea in his head.”

Patting the youngest arms, Arthur smiled and exited the tent and went to get Hosea.

Watching his boy walk off in pride made Dutch heart swell, then he eyeballed Micah.

“ right you, snake, let’s see what you really are.”

Speaking more to himself than anyone else he marched over.

“ Micah a word if you please.”

Sneering at the leader, Micah stood up,

“ boss, you finally got rid of the attention seeking fool.”

Pushing the insults down the best he could, Dutch quickly changed the subject.

“ I might have a job for you, a big one, it’s worth a lot of money, but I need time to plan it and I’ll tell you this evening, until then keep your mouth in check, I’ll be out most of the day, if I find you’ve been causing trouble and trust me I will find out I’ll make you wish you was never born.”

“ errrr sure Dutch anything you say, you know I’ll follow you whenever you go.”

Internally wincing, Dutch walked off to the horses where Arthur was brushing the count in that instant Dutch’s vision faded to the past the little boy caring for his horse and wanting one of his own, snapping out of his thoughts Hosea looked at Dutch with pride.

“ well boys we ready for a day out.”

“ definitely Hosea, let’s go.”

“ Dutch where we going.”

“ anywhere you want to go son, we will follow you.”

Grinning Arthur nudged his horse to a working trot in front of his fathers.

“ good call Dutch, you see you do have it in you, what you doing about Micah you haven’t said.”

Trailing behind there son, Dutch smirked and looked at Hosea.

“ oh Arthur has a plan, and I’ve started putting it in motion, it’s all good Hosea trust us.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So Dutch’s idea on a day trip

Dutch had a smile on his face and Hosea also was grinning, Arthur had a slight shake in his arm but seeming to ignore it Dutch was keeping watch over him.

“ Dutch.... there’s a place near emerald ranch called Heartland overflow it’s a place I go to chill and relax.... can we go there.”

Chuckling at Arthur’s childish requests for permission Dutch looked at Hosea who just nodded.

“ anywhere you want to go son, we will follow you, you got an idea on what you want to do with Micah.”

“ workin on it Dutch...”

“ ok son, I’ve planted the idea in is head he thinks I got a job for him.”

Hosea looked lost.

“ summit I should know about boys.”

Arthur slowed his horse and slotted in the middle of Dutch and Hosea and smirked.

“ let’s just say Micah is goin on a job and me and John are gonna follow him see what he does.”

Hosea grinned.

“ now that’s the teamwork I know and love, and the leadership from you Dutch, missed you like this.”

“ I know Hosea I lost my way a little didn’t I.”

Arthur huffed.

“ more than a little.”

“ alright you two, I think I get the point.”

Giggling together Dutch was proud of his choice, if he could see his boy this happy again it was worth it.

Wandering onto the heartlands Arthur stopped and took a deep breath and shuddered.

“ Arthur... you ok son.”

Nodding Arthur flexed is fingers and winked, dismounting he made a shushing motion to his fathers who just looked on in confusion.  
grabbing his Springfield rifle off his saddle he quietly made his way down the hill clawing at his wrist when out of view and took aim at a buck grazing, taking a deep breath he took aim and took a shot, hitting the buck between the eyes a perfect shot, shaking afterwards his wrist was aching from the effort and had begun the bleed through the bandages but he dragged his sleeve down to avoid the urge to claw at it more.

Looking proud he looked around to Dutch who had dismounted when he saw the buck fall and walked in pride over past his son to the bleeding buck.

“ perfect hit, straight between the eyes, your good son, your aim is amazing well done kiddo.”

Slinging the buck over his shoulder Dutch places it on Arthur’s horse.

“ take it thats supper then.”

Hosea pipes up, and Arthur smiled.

“ well I’m starving and we ain’t just sitting there doing nowt.”

Rolling his eyes Dutch remounted.

“ I’ll have to wash my clothes in the waters, get this buck blood off me.”

Guilt washes over Arthur and he looks down to his arms.

“ I-I should of carried it Dutch, I’m sorry.”

Dutch regretted what he said instantly and Hosea shot him a dirty look.

“ oh no, no son it’s ok, they will wash you’ve done enough, you’ve got us a perfect kill with loads of meat on it, come on and let’s get a camp set up on the bank and eat shall we.”

Nodding sadly Arthur mounted up and the three made there way over the ridge overlooking the overflow.

“ Arthur what’s wrong.”

Dutch was concerned, he knew it hit Arthur more than it should when he had to carry the buck.

Sitting on the edge of the ridge as the sun was setting Arthur was drawing in his journal that Dutch had given him back.

“ whatcha drawing son, and good choice this it’s amazing.”

Looking up over the land Arthur hummed and leaned into Dutch who slung an arm over him.

“ I didn’t mind carrying that buck ya know I was only messin with ya, your shot was bob on.”

“ I know Dutch it shouldn’t bother me but.”

“ but it does, I understand I’m not angry with you, can I look at your arms please.”

Hosea who was cooking the meat smiled at the pair sat on the ridge in the sunset.

Arthur pulled his sleeve further down and Dutch’s concern grew he hadn’t seen Arthur attempt to harm but the hesitation made him worry.

“ Arthur.... what you done.”

Wincing Arthur tried to shrug Dutch’s arm off him.

“ nothin.”

“ Arthur.... come on, you know I won’t judge you or get angry at you, now let me see, trust me son.”

Reluctantly Arthur lifted his sleeve and the bandage was red and wet, Dutch frowned.

“ when.”

“ huntin.”

Dutch raised an eyebrow at him, had he just gone to hunt so he could scrape at his arms.

“ I had too, before I shot the buck I scratched it made it bleed.”

“ oh Arthur, look I’m not going to stop you doing this but please don’t hide it from me, please just come to me, let me clean and redress it at least.”

Nodding Arthur winced as Dutch undid the bandages Hosea who had been watching got up with concern and walked over.

“ oh son what did you do.”

Kneeling down on Arthur’s other side Hosea pulled him into a hug.

“ you gotta stop doing this to yourself son, your stronger than this.”

A fit of sobs hit and Hosea pulled him into a hug as Dutch continued to clean the cuts and redress them, trying to hold back tears of his own, after he was done the three of them sat in silence staring at the calm waters and wildlife.  
After a while it was Arthur who broke the silence,

“ I think I have an idea on what to send Miach on.”

Smiling Dutch embraces his boy and chuckled.

“ well then tell us over some cooked venison I’m starving.”

Hosea patted Arthur’s shoulder.

“ me too and I wanna know this plan I’ve been left out of, you two sneaky buggers I’m interested to know what you are going to do.”

And then Arthur made Hosea and Dutch cry in happiness.

“ oh I have a plan and it’s a good one.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A plan to find a rat and can Arthur go to Dutch when the urge to cut hits him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m slowly updating them all please bare with me

After a few tears and laughs Arthur was ready to tell Dutch the plan to catch Micah in act of ratting them out, but at the same time what if Dutch didn’t like the plan what if he thought it was stupid, all the what ifs made him anxious and hesitant.

“ So Arthur whats this plan of yours?”

Dutch seemed to be behind him but what if he was to disappoint him, Arthur looks up and frowns.

“ maybe you should come up with one... I-I don’t think I’m good at it”

Dutch shook his head and moved to embrace him.

“ look Arthur, I’ve raised you and I’ve always taken into account what you said, remember the the bank job we did and you suggested we sneak in through the back door instead of my idea of going in through the front.”

Arthur looked up to his leader and nodded at the memory.

“ you saved my life suggesting that..... I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t listened to you so don’t you go thinking I won’t listen to what you have to say ok.”

“ ok.... well I think we should send Micah on a stage coach robbery there’s one heading to strawberry in a few days it’s carrying a loada money.... I was gunna do it, but if we send Micah me and John can follow him... it would be the perfect opportunity for him to nip across the boarder to update the Pinkerton’s..... I mean you don’t have to agree with me.... maybe you can think of a better idea.... I...”

“ Arthur...... be quiet.”

Arthur instantly snapped his mouth shut and looked to the floor, Hosea leaned forward and looked at Dutch before smiling, both nodded in agreement and Hosea cupped Arthur’s chin and lifted his head.

“ it’s a perfect plan Arthur.... Dutch thinks so too isn’t that right.”

Arthur cranes his neck to look at Dutch who smiles and nods.... Arthur starts to sob and hugs his leader harder.

“ easy son.... your ok, that’s an amazing plan I’ve taught you well, what you say we get back to camp in the morning and I’ll tell Micah the plan, you did say it’s coming in a few days?”

“ yea I found out it’s coming from a city... saint summit I dunno, but it’s heading to strawberry.”

“ hmmmmm interesting... what you think Hosea, maybe we could do a double mission here.”

Hosea raises an eyebrow at him.

“ what you thinking Dutch?”

Dutch let’s off a toothy grin and even Arthur has wormed his way out of the leaders grip to see where he was going with this.

“ well.... it’s just an idea, but if Arthur and John watch Micah maybe Bill and Javiar with Charles could rob the stagecoach and get that money we could use it.”

Hosea looks at Arthur who nods.

“ not a bad idea tell you what tomorrow morning you and Arthur head to camp go get Micah on the supposed job and I’ll go and learn what I can for the best place to rob it.”

All 3 nod in unison, Arthur for a while forgot about his cuts and the urge to cut but he wouldn’t forget it for long.

“ Anyway lets get some sleep, we need to get up early if we are going to do this.”

Hosea agreed and patted Arthur’s knee.

“ come on son you need rest, go get some sleep you need it.”

Nodding Arthur got to his feet and settled on his bed roll, Dutch settled opposite him the familiar feeling hit him like a punch in the face, the space between them was to far away and Arthur felt alone again, he tried to ignore it and rolled over and fell asleep.

It would be early in the morning, Arthur was guessing about 3am, Dutch and Hosea fast asleep and the fire still glowing, Arthur was awake and instantly grabbed his wrist wincing at the pain the accompanied it, he really shouldn’t there was no need to but he had to, he grabbed his knife and before he could think about his actions he sliced down his arm to the bandages and pushed deeper till he went through them, blood began to drip.... seeing the blood he dropped the knife in panic.... Dutch had told him to come to him and he had ignored him.... again.

Arthur began to feel light headed, he didn’t want to run from his fathers again, but who does he wake up first.... in the end he knows who he will choose, as much as Hosea is the calmer of the two it was always Dutch he would crawl back to, to pick him up again, to patch him up..... Arthur got to unsteady feet and wobbled towards his slumbering father, Arthur dropped to his knees, blood still dripping from his arm, he began to sob and weep.

“ Du... Dutch m’sorry.... so sorry.”

I wasn’t more than a whisper but was enough to bring Dutch out of his sleep, blinking Dutch looked at the silhouette hovering over him, it was then he felt a wet drop.... tears, wait why was the tears red.... oh god.

Dutch sat up and placed a hand on his boys shoulder, feeling the contact Arthur broke and looked into Dutch’s eyes.

“ Oh Arthur, what have you done, let me look son.”

Dutch relit the fire as Arthur shook on the spot, he woke Hosea who had a look of horror on his face and gathered supplies to clean the cuts as Dutch knelt in front of his boy.

“ when did you do this Arthur.... why didn’t you wake me?”

Arthur flinched as shrugged.

“ I-I didn’t know... I just did it... couldn’t help it... m’sorry... please don’t hate me.”

“ oh Arthur I don’t hate you I could never hate you, I’m scared son, scared I will wake up one day and you dead because you went to far, please wake me or come get me, even if I fucking watch you cut, just to make sure you don’t go to deep, but please come to me.”

Arthur was shocked Dutch was prepared to watch him cut.

Hosea frowned as he returned.

“ I’ll just heat some water up here Dutch clean them with this whisky and this cloth.”

Dutch took the cloth and began to carefully wipe away the blood from his boys arm, Arthur hissed and tried to pull his arm away but Dutch’s grip was firm but light.

“ easy son, gotta clean these, and redress your wrist. You arm will be ok it’s not deep it’s your wrist that’s loosing the most blood.”

“ Urts Dutch, please can you stop.”

“ sorry son I know it hurts, but I need to clean these and redress your wrist, be brave son.”

Arthur nods as Hosea sits behind him and pulls him to his chest as Dutch starts on his wrist, hissing in pain and flinching Hosea whispers words of comfort in his ear.

“ relax son, I’m behind you let Dutch clean them, hows it looking Dutch.

“ hmmmm it’s bad but won’t need stitches, think he’s nicked a few veins hence the extensive bleeding, if he refrains from digging at it more it should heal.”

Hearing the word refrain Arthur winced, Dutch knew he probably won’t leave it alone, the urge gets to much, after Dutch was done and the wound was wrapped up and his arm was cleaned, Dutch motioned for Arthur to come to him, Arthur raised an eyebrow at him but Hosea nudges him to do so, Arthur tentatively crawls over and Dutch pulls him to his chest and pulls him down to the bed roll with him.

“ come on son, sleep we have a few hour still dawn, you look tired.”

In Dutch’s arms Arthur feels warm and relaxed his arm and wrist throbbing but no longer felt the urge to cut... at least not yet, as Arthur drifts off Dutch looks at Hosea with a frown.

“ how we gunna help him stop this old friend, I’ve told him to come to me when he wants to hurt himself but he won’t, I don’t want to loose him, I don’t want to wake up and find him dead in a pool of his own blood.”

Dutch sniffs back a cry and looks down at his slumbering son.

“ I know Dutch.... I have a feeling he will come to you when he’s ready, you just gotta keep reassuring him that he can come to you and he will be helped and comforted when he does, all we can do his hope he will gain the confidence to do so, in the mean time let’s get a few hours kip before we head back and set Micah up.”

Hosea winks and Dutch huffs a laugh.

“ can’t believe all this started because of him”

Hosea hummed as we laid back down.

“ yea but we will sort it, stay with me and our boy and we will be grand, Dutch your a good leader but you need to realise who means more to you and I think even you are 100% sure of the answer.”

Hosea drifts off leaving Dutch to ponder over his friends words, he’s wise and Dutch always said he should of been the leader and not him, just Hosea never wanted to take charge, he had said Dutch was a better leader just needed guidance he wasn’t wrong, Dutch smiled and cuddled his boy as he drifted off.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur after his little episode seems eager to set this plan up but before the plan can go ahead old habits hit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m getting there I’m so sorry for lack of updates I’m having trouble finding the time to update and I don’t want to abandon any stories.

A few hours later Arthur as usual is first to wake this is normal he was always an early starter unlike the leader himself who was a grump in the mornings so it became a habit that Arthur always got stuff done so when the leader woke up he would be proud of him and spent time with him.... habit Arthur frowned and looked at his wrist and shook... no he can’t not again they had a job to do. 

Getting up he tried to resist to the urge to harm so he figures he’d brush the horses and feed them he always liked the horse’s and they seemed to like him, The Count was just special but he did let Arthur groom and tack him just didn’t let anyone ride him but Dutch. Arthur started on The Count and began cleaning his silky coat and was lost in the task to make him so clean Dutch would be proud of his efforts that he didn’t see Dutch walking up behind him.

“ morning son.”

Arthur jumped making The Count stamp.

“ Jeeeeze Dutch don’t do that, bout gave me a heart attack.”

Laughing Dutch came up and wiped a hand down the horses coat and looked at his hand when he took it away.  
Arthur looked unsure and hesitation sets in.

“ is he clean enough Dutch I can do him again if he’s not done properly.”

“ easy son, I’m not marking you on how clean he is, I’m just curious you haven’t groomed him like this in a while everything ok?”

“Yea.... I-I’m fine.... I”

“ Arthur don’t lie son... come on you can tell me it’s ok.”

Letting his shoulders drop Arthur patted the stallions coat and look at Dutch.

“ I had the urge to cut.... so I thought I’d try and distract myself from doing it so I decided to clean The count for you.... I-I’m sorry I....”

Dutch pulled him into a hug before Arthur could get himself worked up even more.

“ well done son... I’m proud of you, and I must say The Count looks spotless.”

Letting off a sly blush Arthur rub the back of his neck.

“ it’s nothin really just used the best brush on him with him being albino.”

“He’s perfect Arthur thank you.... hey Hosea have you ever seen a horse so clean.”

Hosea walked over with all there kit.

“ wow could eat your dinner off him.”

“ alright you too he’s not that clean well you can eat your dinner off him... I wouldn’t he’s taken a dip in the river this morning then I let him dry in the morning sun for a few hour while you two where still sleepin.”

Both Hosea and Dutch laughed.

“ you mean you actually got him to go in the water with you.”

Dutch was laughing full on now.

Arthur shrugged and smirks.

“ well yea after he ditched me in there figured I’d repay him by giving him a bath.”

Dutch was wiping tears from his eyes and Hosea just rolled his eyes but his eyes then settled on fresh blood from the bandage and tapped Dutch’s shoulder who stop laughing almost as quick as he started.

“ Arthur ..... and please tell me the truth did you.”

Dutch makes a gesture with his hand to Arthur’s wrist... Arthur for a second looked lost he had actually forgotten about his bandaged wrist he was too busy on getting The Count clean... then he looked down... shit when did that happen unless he caught it when trying to get the stubborn horse in the river, he looked up at Dutch in a panic.

“ D.... Dutch... I-I didn’t do anything I swear... please believe me I promise I didn’t I had the urge too but I went to clean him and he must of caught me while I was getting in the river.... I honestly didn’t cut.”

Dutch raises his hands in a calming motion.

“ ok...ok Arthur easy I was only asking I’m not gunna tell you off promise... can I clean you up seeing as you cleaned my horse.”

Dutch smirked and Arthur relaxed and sheepishly nodded.

“ come on son... well done for being honest.”

Sitting down Dutch removed the bandages and began to clean the cuts, Arthur hisses but otherwise makes no noise.

“ they look ok son... bit red and inflamed but that’s to be expected it’s ok son.... I can tell you’ve just caught it by accident let’s get this rewrapped then it’ll look all good.”

Nodding Hosea mounted up and waited while Dutch finished up and he tacked up the Count that was gleaming, Arthur stood up and walked over to his own horse.

“ hey Dutch don’t you go through any puddles he’s clean.”

Dutch tips his hat in acknowledgment and smiles.

“ wouldn’t dream of it son... now let’s get back to camp and get Micah on that errrrr job.”

Laughing Arthur rode beside him.

“ right boys I’m going to go and see what I can find out about this stage I’ll meet you both back at camp.”

“ ok Hosea be careful old friend let’s go Arthur.”

They separate and Dutch and Arthur head back to camp, they only made it about half way when old habits start to nag him he can’t but he can’t stop himself from at least nicking himself... shaking he looks up towards Dutch riding just in front and thought of what he told him.

Shaking his head if Dutch wants to watch him cut or try and help him fight it can’t hurt to have him knowing he was thinking about it.

“Dutch.... can... can we stop a minute.”

Dutch craned his neck to look behind him to find Arthur shaking and clenching his hands around the reins... frowning Dutch pulls up and turns around to face him.

“ Arthur you ok son... what’s wrong.”

Taking a shaky breath Arthur looks up.

“ I-I wanna cut Dutch.... god I want to so bad can I just nick myself just a little..... please.... you can watch just please.”

Dutch looks down but then looks up and smiles... dismounts and leads The Count and Arthur’s horse off the trail to somewhere more private and out of sight in the trees the he reaches up with both hands and flicks his fingers towards him gesturing for Arthur to let himself dismount in his arms, Arthur let’s himself slide into the elders arms as he shakes he begins to fumble for his knife and Dutch puts a hand on it to stop him and sadly shakes his head.

“ no son.... I know I’d say I would watch you... but let’s try and not even get that far ok.”

Shuddering Arthur nods and try’s to shake his wrists to get rid of the stubborn ache to harm, Dutch sets them both down overlooking the river and hugs him.

“ now son... I’m so proud of you for saying your going to do this... I know I’d say I’d watch and I will if it comes to that but you’ll break my heart if I can’t do something to stop you doing so... so.”

Dutch shifts until he’s facing Arthur and smiles.

“ right Arthur hands on my chest... you know how this works.”

Arthur places shaking hands on the leaders toned chest and feels his heart beat and closes his eyes, Dutch smiles.

“ what’s got you so content all of a sudden.”

“Your heart beat against my hand it’s so soothing.”

“ shows I’m alive son... and Id like yours to be beating as well but it won’t be if you loose all the blood you have by harming.”

Nodding Arthur lowers his head only to be cupped by Dutch’s.

“ how bad do you want to do it?”

“ bad... but your making it better.”

“ good now... this is gunna hurt.”

Dutch pinches Arthur’s already tender skin.”

“Ow what what that for.”

Dutch smiles and does it again.

“ Dutch packet in that hurts before I hit you.”

Dutch laughs.

“ now how do you feel.”

“ like I’ve been pinched.”

“ that’s the point son, but it’s kept the blood inside you but caused pain to be satisfying has it not”

Arthur looked shocked, it had distracted him from the urge to harm and hurt since now he had felt pain and felt better for it.

“ now son I’m not going to do this as a permanent relief but glad it’s worked... Arthur you continue to come to me and I’ll try and help you feel better and look after you like I always do.”

Nodding through tears Arthur catches Dutch off guard as he throws his arms around him and hugs him sobbing.

“ shhhh son... I’m proud of you... you’ll be ok... now let’s get to camp.”

Nodding Arthur takes Dutch’s hand strong and confident.

“ ok let’s get this son of a bitch.”

“ that’s my boy.”

They mount up and begin there ride again.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur and Dutch set Micah up with the stage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for no updates but enjoy this one

Arthur and Dutch mounted up and continued the ride back to camp, Arthur began to wonder would Dutch actually watch him cut or was he just saying that to get him to stop if he knew anything about his leader is that he was good with words, Arthur needed to know if Dutch would actually watch.

Dutch smiles at his boy but quickly turned to a frown when he saw Arthur looking at him with tears running down his cheeks.

“Arthur.... what’s wrong?”

Arthur gives a sad smile.

“Dutch... can I ask you something?”

“Anything Arthur... what’s wrong?”

Arthur pulls his horse to standstill and looks at his wrists and then back up at Dutch who was getting a slight idea on were this was going.

Dutch stopped The Count and looks at Arthur and then looks at the path that was leading down in through the trees that lead into camp, they was literally back but Dutch wasn’t going to take Arthur in unless he was sure he was ready, frowning he turns back to Arthur who had dismounted.

Dutch looked confused and concerned, he carefully dismounted.

“Arthur... what’s going on?”

Laughing slightly Arthur shook his head and wiped tears away.

“Dutch... is it true what you said?”

“I..I don’t follow son.”

“Dutch... you said you would watch.... is... is that true or are you just saying that so you don’t have to bury another gang member?”

Dutch looked horrified, where did this come from, did he think that little of him, had he changed that much that this is how his own son saw him.

“Arthur.... please.”

Arthur narrowed his eyes and went to unwrap the bandages.

“Is... it true or not Dutch.”

“Arthur... what are you doing?”

“ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION DUTCH!!!”

Dutch visibly flinched, everything he had said Arthur was making sure he ment every word and now he was going to have to watch him cut himself just to prove a point.

Dutch held his hands up and nodded.

“I... I said I would Arthur... I promised I would if you really wanted to .... can I help convince you not too... I’d prefer it if you didn’t.”

Smiling Arthur dropped the bandage on the floor and rolled up his sleeve revealing the gashes of various lengths and depths and it made Dutch feel sick.

“Dutch... I need to be sure you won’t leave... I need to do this... you’ve not been yourself for a while the Dutch I know won’t leave me even if I do this..... the Dutch that I’ve been seeing would just walk away.”

Dutch slowly approaches and places his hands on Arthur’s forearms and lowers his voice an octave almost to a threatening manner.

“Arthur.... if I have to watch I will.... I’m not angry but harming to prove a point isn’t what I’d expect from you.... but if you really want to this I’m not going to stop you but I will request that you let me clean and bandage straight away is that a deal?”

Nodding Arthur wasn’t sure anymore... Dutch wasn’t walking away as expected.

Dutch holds out his hand and Arthur shakily excepts, fingers entwine and Dutch leads him into the trees surrounding camp.

“Dutch... errr where we goin?”

“I’m not letting you do this in public Arthur.”

Once they reached a secluded spot Dutch sat Arthur down and he sat down facing him.

“Go ahead son... but please don’t go deep.”

“Dutch....”

“It’s ok.... I’m right here... I’m not leaving.”

Arthur shakily grabbed his knife and touched the tip of the blade on already tender skin, Dutch swallows hard but doesn’t make any attempt to stop him, Arthur shakes and shakes.

“Damn it.... I-I can’t Dutch.... I can’t.”

The knife leaves his skin and Arthur throws it into the woods and covers his eyes with the palms of his hands and wept.

Dutch doesn’t move just smiles.

“Why can’t you do it Arthur?”

Arthur just cry’s but Dutch waits.

“I-I just couldn't.... I wanted too.... but you.... just you.”

Finally Dutch gets up and embraces him.

“I know... I know son, it’s ok... I really would of watched you know... I’m glad you didn’t, can I redress your wrists?”

Nodding Arthur holds out his hands and Dutch redressed them.

“Come on son, I’m gonna tell Micah that plan of yours.”

Sniffing Arthur got up and tapped Dutch on the shoulder.

“Hmmmm.”

“Sorry Dutch... I didn’t mean to doubt you.”

“ it’s expected Arthur...”

Walking the horses back into camp Arthur goes to his tent to try and sleep on leaders orders while he tells the loud mouth rat the plan.

Dutch watches Arthur curled up and smirks, then the smirk vanished when his ears where filled with an irritating voice.

“Boss!”

“.... yes”

Micah came storming over.

“You said you had a job last night what happened I was waiting did Arthur cause trouble again.”

“Micah will you leave him alone, he didn’t cause any trouble never has, he actually changed the plans for a very promising stage that’s heading from a big city delivering loads of money to strawberry that I want you to go follow up on... and before you say it’s a trap the story checks out Hosea is off finding out the route it’s taking, when he gets back you and only you will go rob it.”

Micah looks a bit taken back.

“Why me... and why only me?”

“Micah don’t question me... it’ll be easier for you to rob it alone, Arthur did them all the time and always brought back the goods... well if you don’t think your up to it I could ask Arthur to do it Im sure he won’t turn it down, I’ll find something less challenging for you to do.”

“Now hold up Dutch, I can do anything that cowpoke does and more of course I’ll rob the thing, you lacking faith in me or something.”

“Micah just do as your told and stop pestering people I’ll come tell you details when I get them now go on watch take John off will you.”

Huffing Micah flicks his hat and stalks off towards John.

“Yo Marston Dutch says I’m takin you off watch, go on get before I throttle you.”

“Woah what’s got up your nose, Dutch told you off or summit.”

John snickers and walks off towards camp. 

John made his way over the stew bowl to eat when Dutch approached him.

“Did Micah give you any trouble son?”

“Nah just seemed pissed what happened?”

Dutch nods towards Arthur who’s begun to shake on the cot.

“Jesus what did Micah do to him!”

“It’s not just him John, but Micah has restarted it and it’s gunna stop right now.”

Eating from the bowl John sits at the wooden table and Dutch sits opposite.

“Ok so what’s happening?”

“John I’ve got a very important job for you and Arthur, when Hosea gets back and tells us the details of this stage, I’m gunna send Micah to rob it alone except I don’t think he will.... I think he will tell the Pinkerton’s the plans and our location.”

“Fucking wait... you saying he’s a goddamn rat!!!!!”

Dutch winces and nods.

“Shhhh he will hear you... yes that is what I suspect, Hosea does too and Arthur, well he had it figured from the start.... anyway you two are gunna follow him and see what he’s up too, can you do that son?”

Smiling John nods.

“Cause Dutch... it’s nice to have you sounding like you again.”

Dutch smiles but lowers his head in shame.

“I-I know I’ve been somewhat distracted and I’m sorry for that but please don’t loose faith in me now.”

John shocked at this sudden shift in behaviour leans over and places and hand on the leaders arm, Dutch lifts his head.

“Never Dutch, your my father after all, you raised me.... you raised me and Arthur, we know the real you.”

Smiling Dutch pats Johns hand.

“Thanks John.... anyway we aren’t gunna let this coach go, a side team are going to rob the thing while you watch Micah.”

“ ok we can do that you know we can.”

Dutch gets up and pats John on the shoulder.

“ I know son I know, go get some rest... I’m gunna check on Arthur.”

“ ok Dutch.... it’s good to have you back.”

John walks off and Dutch feels a new sense of warmth inside shaking his head he heads for Arthur’s tent.

Arthur was shaking, sweat soaking his hair, Dutch places the back of his hand to his forehead and grimaces.

“Shit.”

Dutch mumbles.

Dutch gently shakes Arthur awake who begins to panic and Dutch immediately embraces him.

“Shhhh Arthur calm down it’s me.”

“Mmm..... Dutch I feel cold.”

“You have a fever son... could be an infection from the cuts.... but could be because your tired, can you stand your spending the night with me so I can keep and eye on you.”

Nodding Arthur moved to get up but at the motion his stomach instantly protests and he begins to hurl onto the grass.

“Jesus... Arthur it’s ok breath.”

Dutch is kneeling beside Arthur who was shaking like a leaf.

“Come on Arthur let’s get these cuts cleaned and get you warm in bed.”

Nodding Dutch manhandled Arthur inside his tent and pulls the drapes down, he quickly sets about cleaning the cuts and then gets him settled on the cot, Arthur instantly falls asleep, Dutch frowns he might have to rethink his plans Arthur can’t follow Micah in this state.

Placing a cold rag over his boys sweaty pale forehand he will have to wait till Hosea gets back and decide from there, one things for certain Arthur won’t be going anywhere for a while.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hosea arrives back to find Arthur in a weak state with a worried Dutch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for lack of updates

It would be around 10 in the evening that Hosea finally rolled into camp after finding out possible leads on the stagecoach, Micah was on watch still looking pissed.

“What chu lookin at old man.”

“I’ll remind you to watch your tongue Mr Bell.”

Micah huffed and waves him on, shaking his head Hosea carried on into camp to tell Dutch the good news.  
The good mood was short lived when Hosea didn’t see Arthur in his own tent, Frowning he was about to go find him when John walked up with a concerned look on his face.

“Everything ok son?”

“It’s... it’s Arthur... he’s..”

Hosea puts a hand in Johns shoulder in encouragement.

“Where is he son?”

“Dutch... went over to his tent to check on him and I saw Arthur spewing his guts up onto the grass, Dutch was clinging to him to stop him from falling into his own vomit, then he took him into his tent and that’s the last I’ve seen.”

“Ok John thanks... I’ll go see what the situation is...”

“Hosea.”

“Yea.”

“Is Dutch... ok?”

Hosea frowned but it quickly turned into a honest smile.

“Yea son he’s fine... why?”

“It’s nothin just he seems softer.... you know like he was when we was kids... all caring and concerned.”

Hosea pulls John into a hug.

“I know and isn’t it brilliant.”

Pulling away Hosea smiles at him before making his way to Dutch tent.

The camp was quiet and for Dutch to have his tent drapes closed was making him worry he only ever did that if he was sleeping which wasn’t likely given the time, he was in one of his foul moods... again given what John just told him wasn’t likely, if he had company and wanted privacy, he didn’t hear molly so nope only other explanation was that he had someone in his care and he had a feeling it wasn’t good.

Hosea reaches the tent and is about to knock on the post when something stopped him a voice so soft coming from Dutchs mouth he hasn’t heard since Arthur was a kid, smiling Hosea proceeded to knock softly of the post.

“Dutch, can I come in?”

Hosea heard some shuffling and a muttered it’s ok presumably to Arthur, then the tent drapes part and Dutch pokes his head out and smiles sadly at him.

“Hey Hosea, come in we might need to change our plans Arthur has caught a fever, from what I cannot be certain, he threw up and has been a bit delirious.”

Nodding Hosea steps in and is greeted with a sorry sight of Arthur shaking and looking sweaty.

“Oh Arthur, has he well you know.”

Gesturing to his wrists and arms Dutch shakes his head.

“Not that I know of since we got back, he did want me to watch though, was going to cut to see if I would actually stay and watch.... didn’t think how much I’ve slipped these past few months until he doubted that I would stay.”

Hosea places a hand of his shoulder.

“I know Dutch.... I know, you been keeping the fever down with cold rags.”

“Yea... he seems better than earlier I’m hoping he’s just exhausted and nothing else.”

Hosea nods and sits down next to Arthur who flinches at the touch.

“Easy son it’s just me.... how you feelin?”

Blinking Arthur just about makes out Hosea’s concerned face.

“H’sea that you?”

“Yea son it’s me.. you ok?”

“Feel sick... cold... then hot... where’s Dutch?”

Hearing his name Dutch kneels beside the cot and brushes the back of his hand down his boys clammy face.  
Arthur feels the cold rings run down his cheek and tears follow his leaders hand, Dutch thumbs them away.

“Shhhhh Arthur it’s ok I’m here, I’m not going anywhere son, go to sleep we both will be here when you wake up.”

Nodding Arthur didn’t have the strength to keep his eyes open and drifted off, Dutch smiles and wipes tears of his own, Hosea looks at him and leans back in the chair he’s taken.

“Dutch.... you good?”

“Yea I’m ok... I .. I can’t loose him Hosea.”

“You won’t he’s a fighter and he will fight as long as you stay with him... anyway you want the news about that stage.”

Dutch looks up in shock, he’d forgotten about that.

“Yes yes of course what you find out.”

“Well it appears to be carrying a load of money as Arthur said it’ll be heading through Rhodes around midday tomorrow and then heading to strawberry through the heartlands.... it’ll be well guarded but the takings will be good ideal to send Micah to meet it as it crosses closest to Blackwater and the plains, if he’s a rat we’ll know by then..... only problem is Arthur can’t go like this and we can’t send John on his own..... so..”

“I’ll go.”

“ you what?”

Dutch stares at Arthur eyes wet from emotion.

“I said I’ll go.... with John... in Arthur’s place... I owe him that at least...”

“But Dutch...”

“No buts Hosea... I wanna see just what Micah is.”

“Will you keep your head though if you find something you won’t like hmmmm, that close to Blackwater Dutch you make noise there you’ll be shot dead before you can even take a breath.... you gotta be quiet and just watch..... and not I repeat not get involved.”

“I.... I know Hosea I won’t I’ll have John with me I’m sure he won’t let me do anything stupid... he’s my youngest son I won’t put him in danger.”

“Ok Dutch if your sure, I’ll get Charles and Javiar with Bill on the robbery they can take it Just after the crossing it’s out of sight and if they do it quietly with Charles stealth that shouldn’t be a problem they can rob the thing no problem.”

Nodding Dutch smiles and rubs his eyes.

“Get some rest Dutch you need a clear head tomorrow.... tell you what lay down next to him, you’ll both feel more secure I’ll be fine here.”

Dipping his head Dutch doesn’t protest and sheds his clothes to is under garments and slowly settles beside Arthur who senses his mentor and instantly throws an arm over his midsection, Hosea hold back a chuckle as Dutch looks at him with wide eyes.

“And your worried if he will forgive you... think you have your answer Dutch.”

Smiling Dutch places a hand on top of Arthur’s and squeezes it slightly as he closes his eyes he feels Arthur shuffle closer, Hosea nods to himself as Dutch also drifts off.


End file.
